Nate's Jokes Page

J O K E S

Here's some random funny jokes for you to laugh at for a while.

The Highway Patrol

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....

Man: "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife:: Oh, Harry. You were going 80.

[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer:: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks.

[Man gives his wife another dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: [turns to his wife and yells], "Shut your damn mouth!"

Officer: [turns to the woman and asks], "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."

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How To Identify Where Drivers Are From

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California *with gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.

Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas

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49 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"

4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occassionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

34. Play the harmonica.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

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THE WEST VIRGINIA STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION

Name: ________________ (last)

(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack

(Check appropriate box)

Age: ____

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Asbestos Worker
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Un-employed

Spouse's Name: __________________

Relationship with spouse:

(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________ (If notsure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Checkappropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

(_)TheNational Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:

(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know

Organizations that you belong to: (Check all that are applicable)

(_) NRA
(_) KKK
(_) NHRA

Number of tractor pulls you've been to this month :

(_) <5
(_) 5-10
(_) 11-15
(_) Can't count

Beverage of choice:

(_) Night Train
(_) Blind Dog Bourbon
(_) Cousin Cletus' Moonshine (Non-Commercial)
(_)Gasoline

Number of Skoal Belt Buckles You Own:____

Brand of Jeans you prefer:

(_) Wranglers

Do you play the banjo?

(_) Yes

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Stupid Warning Labels

1. On my hairdryer instructions: Do not use while sleeping.

2. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

3. On a bar of Dial soap, it says, "Directions: Use like regular soap."

4. I have a frozen dinner at home that says: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

5. ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: fits one head.

6. ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

7. ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after heating

8. ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: Do not Iron clothes on body

9. ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE: Do not drive car or operate machinery

10. ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID): Warning: may cause drowsiness

11. ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning: keep out of children

12. ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor use only.

13. ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: Not to be used for the other use

14. ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: Warning: contains nuts

15. ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

16. ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

17. ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS: Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?

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